Brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or younger sibling? A decision map for foreigners

Vietnamese has no neutral word for "you." Every time you open your mouth to talk to someone, you're forced to decide whether that person is older or younger than you, and by how much. This is the thing that makes learners of Vietnamese sweat the most.

Good news: at a restaurant, you only need four words.

Simplified diagram:

• Female, looks younger or approximately your age → "chị" • Male, looks younger or approximately your age → "anh" • Female, looks around your mother's age or older → "cô" • Male, looks around your father's age or older → "chú

Golden rule: it's SAFER to guess higher than someone's real age than to guess lower.

Calling a 30-year-old woman 'older sister' is completely normal. Calling a 50-year-old woman 'older sister' is... actually fine, sometimes she might even be happy about it. But calling a 50-year-old woman 'younger sister' is a bit odd.

How do you refer to yourself? The simplest: "I". It's somewhat formal and somewhat distant, but always correct and never causes misunderstanding. When closer, switch to "em" (if you're younger) or "anh/chị" (if you're older).

Something you don't need to worry about: getting a level of formality wrong isn't a big deal. Vietnamese people fully understand that this system is difficult, and they already find it admirable that you're making the effort to use it. The most common reaction when you get it wrong is... a burst of laughter, and then they'll correct you.

But what if you get it right from the very beginning? Prepare yourself mentally to be asked 'How long have you been in Vietnam?' — with quite an impressive tone.